Showing posts with label words. Show all posts
Showing posts with label words. Show all posts

11 November 2012

BLACKOUT NYC


On a cold Thursday night, my friend Kaylee lured me from my favorite pizza at Cafe Fiorello in Lincoln Center... all the way down to Lower Manhattan. I say lured, as it was during the recent blackout.  Apparently, I had to-- if even for a few hours-- experience and see what it was like.

Kaylee was staying with a friend at the Bowery Hotel, which was operating with only one small generator, and thus, minimal lighting in the hallway sconces only. For the most part, stepping foot into the hotel felt not much different than stepping into the McKittrick Hotel that houses Sleep No More. Only this was real life.

After one Old Fashioned, two glasses of red wine, three new friends, and several attempts to play Bach on the hotel's broken piano, we found ourselves at Gemma for a complimentary dinner. With the restaurant's famous gigantic candles lit,  a mere twenty people scattered throughout the restaurant, and the pure silence all around, one could mistake the normally buzzing restaurant for a big barn-turned-restaurant in the Catskills. The Chianti was poured, glass after glass, and we feasted on fresh tomato basil pasta, roasted veggies, bread, and salad.

By this point, our cellphones were dead (though I must note: due to the lack of cellphone service in all of downtown Manhattan, everyone in the room clearly forgot they existed to begin with).

And so we ended up outside. In the darkness.  Kaylee ran into friends, and they were attempting a journey to The Smile.

Someone had sparklers. And somehow, we all took part in this impromptu video.




01 September 2011

"learn more, not earn more"




Julianna Margulies' commencement speech to Sarah Lawrence Class of 2010

While the overall message of the passage of this speech one might not be able to identify with directly (who after all, makes that kind of money these days?), I can't help but hear her words and find them somewhat resonant.

Everyone wants to know their mission.

I've made my own choices-- have followed my heart-- against the grain only to be mocked, hurt...   I think (and hope) that everyone has done this at some point in their lives. I have turned to my dad so many times. "Dad, what should I do?" And only to hear sound advice.  "When is enough, enough?"

 And while I am not one to be religious, this past month I have turned to churches, meeting houses, temples. I think I've been to nearly every church and cathedral in the borough of Manhattan.

"I realized my mission in life was to learn more, not earn more."

At the end of the day, at some point in time, we should look back and see evidence of value, and that value is not monetary, nor is it fame. Both are empty. I am blessed to have the things I have, and the experiences I have had. But the lessons I have learned this past year have been tremendous, decisions at times torrential, however looking back, they all have meaning.

Perhaps most importantly, I have learned that despite heartbreak, you can't stop your heart. But it is this that makes us human.

I would much prefer a life of lessons leading to happiness and love than all the money or nice things or fame in the world. A family.

Fin.

04 June 2011

new york city sunset




had never done this before....
the only substantial thing I did on thursday was watch the sunset over pier 25
took a bunch of pictures
videos
but I realized in that in all my years in new york city,
I had never watched the sun actually set before
instead, I saw the proof of a sunset
as I looked upwards while I walked
or out of a window as I worked
the pink and the orange,
those pretty colors
proof that a sunset was there
proof it was happening
as I looked up
the buildings themselves acted a picture frame
as I looked out
the window frame was a frame too
for this picture I wished to see the fullness of
but rarely ever did

so I went to the pier

water is water
and water is running
and water is moving
and water is unpredictable
but water is constant
and the sound of water is the sound of water
there's nothing like it

as it sets,
the sun's reflection
on the water
 appears to be a moving path
widening as the sun moves downwards
and then suddenly
down behind a building in new jersey it goes
in one instant
in one split second
it's gone

the sky remains pink and the clouds
make the sky appear gradient
a spectrum of pinks and purples and oranges and yellows

and then,
suddenly,
purple.

and then,
suddenly,
darkness

the lights flicker on
the boys still play basketball
the runners keep running
and the pedestrians keep walking their dogs well past 10pm
and I jump the fence of the playground on the pier
to swing
just for a little

I walk
I always end up near the water.

the days have been warm and the city has been happy
to feel the buzz is freeing
but overwhelming
so many people
 so many interesting people
so little time
and you're only young once.


and to have the liberty to wander during these weeks
has been so rewarding, eye opening...

forehead relaxed
back without a single knot
I travel the city streets

but the water
I always end up near the water

13 May 2011

so...


So I've decided that this is too hard to let go- This thing I've created here.

So I'm going to keep it minimal, the bare bones.

Consider this Chapter II.


19 March 2011

helplessness: time stands still


I had the chance to see Time Stands Still with my mother about two months ago.

Made me a think a lot about a lot of what is currently going on in the world, and how people of different generations respond to it in different ways.

After seeing footage of Japan on the news, all I could think about was this play. My friends told me how many videos and photos were being shared on twitter and facebook (I am not on either anymore), and how many were saying about how sorry they felt.

Photography and videos taken during times of distress, war, and destruction: does it ever reach a point where it is too much?

While it can promote people who view them to make a difference, how many who share these images and videos really take the step to contribute, donate, or help? By sharing these images on a social network with such extreme, is a line crossed?  Does it become exploitive?  Invasive?

*


SARAH
They'd lost children in that mess, and there I was like a ghoul with a camera shooting away.
I live off the suffering of strangers. I've built a career on the sorrows of people I don't know and I will  never see again...

JAMES
That's not true. You've helped them in ways you can't see

SARAH
Have I? Have I really?



*

I know it crosses my mind, and it must cross the minds of other people-

 How on earth can I even begin to help? Where do I start?

You can donate money to the right places, of course.  I do this almost always. And if you haven't donated to Japan Red Cross already, you should give any amount, large or small-- because every little bit helps. So if the images drive people to actually donate, then for that I am thankful.

But at the end of the day, the thought of these situations-- seeing these images and videos-- makes my stomach drop.  It's this feeling-- normally an empty feeling-- but in situations like this, feels full.

It's a certain kind of helplessness.

Because I see the images, the videos, then donate-- but I can't really DO anything.

I can't physically act, I can't physically help. And I don't know where to start, because I feel so removed.


*


MANDY
You could have been helping them.


SARAH
I was helping them. I was taking their picture.

MANDY
How is THAT helping them?

SARAH
By gathering evidence to sh--
If it weren't like people like me, the ones with the cameras, who would know? Who would care?


*


To physically help, one needs the skills, the training, the knowledge. I've researched this for years-- that there is nothing I can do to physically help in situations like this.

 Those who are trained to help, are there physically helping. All I can do--anyone can do-- is have faith in them, and be thankful that they have these skills and abilities.

But it's the images, the videos during times like this-- after a certain point, what does their function become?

*

Time Stands Still, which is written by playwright Donald Margulies, was just nominated by a Tony Award. Laura Linney plays Sarah, a photojournalist, who has spent most of her time photographing the war.

The best scenes which highlight how this is discussed are below:

http://video.nytimes.com/video/2010/10/06/arts/1248069142012/time-stands-still.html

Start at 
5:39


I only hope that the sharing of images and videos during times of distress on social networks truly do drive people to act and make a difference.

How to Donate:

How to send a wire transfer to Red Cross Japan
American Red Cross (Direct Link to Donation)
Save the Children Federation

Text REDCROSS to 90999 to donate $10 to Red Cross which will help those affected by the earthquake.



How to Help:
Doctors Without Borders



13 March 2011

southhampton blizzard






our grandparents amagansett little home

Jihanah and I took a drive out there just a little over a year ago, and as we drove, we drove into a legitimate blizzard. It was an experience. We went to the beach in Southampton first- the one I used to go when I was a child and we lived there.

We sold our Southhampton house when I was 12. I still can't go back and see the actual house; it is now bigger and renovated to fit into Southampton's "new era." I miss Southampton the way it used to be. My grandparents still have a little house on the water in Amagansett, but still. We can't really go there in the winter.

I have so many memories in our Hampton home-- especially with my cousins in the wintertime. My grandfather would light a fire in the fireplace. We'd toast marshmellows and make popcorn and string it through a needle and thread to decorate our tree. No cable, and only a Beta tape player. All my grandfather had on beta tapes were mainly taped made for TV movies--the Ewoks Adventure movies being perhaps the top watched, the Alice in Wonderland movie from the 80's, and Sherlock Homes taped from PBS. Oh, and we did have Marry Poppins somehow- I wonder how they made that on Beta. And on tv it was The Price is Right by day, then Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune by night... and you know, of course we can't forget how much we looked forward to TGIF on ABC on Fridays. Then, before bedtime, it of course a game of Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego had to be played on our ghetto IBM computer. Or connect four. Occasionally Monopoly. And always Go Fish.

Of course, then there were the Burgers and Milk Shakes at Sip and Soda. And button candy from The Fudge Shoppe.  And the toy store. Kites, sprinklers, slip n' slides, that rusty swing set,  and days of watching Shakespeare in the park.

Ah, those were the days.

I don't think the Hamptons will ever be the same for me. Somehow this trip sticks in the mind. Things have frozen over since I was a child, so to speak; I miss my hamptons winters.

21 October 2010

it's really all about family and art and nature



they were so happy, I want to be happy like this


my dad is taking me away from new york and all of this hectic craziness to yosemite next friday morning, all the way through to the wednesday following that.



st barths, 1983



my dad was a medic in the vietnam war



we all have hardships but we move foward, revolve, evolve...



my mom was so beautiful 


tell me, why do we forget about people's pasts so easily?
why are they so readily discounted
and not considered?

no empathy, I suppose

our pasts are valid,
they are very much a reflection of who we are in the present
regardless of any drastic changes we may have experienced
or any hardships we may have  fought our way through
over the years


I think the majority of my, our-- generation is at a loss
we can't accept who we once were
we want to be better
Correction
we were taught to want to be better
and in doing so
lose ourselves
while trying so hard to be something we are not

"lost in the cool"



Therefore,
I ask my emerging adult mind
to never forget where I have come from
what I have experienced
what I have seen
what I have been taught
and to be thankful
for all opportunity I have been given.


for my family
for my friends
for the people I have met in recent months

for everything I have done
and for everything I have yet to do

mind,
let me be.

body, catch up with the stop-motion.

mind,
let me be.

so much will come

the rest will follow.


02 October 2010

t.s. eliot




The Four Quartets
Part 1: Burnt Norton
I
Time present and time past
Are both perhaps present in time future
And time future contained in time past.
If all time is eternally present
All time is unredeemable.
What might have been is an abstraction
Remaining a perpetual possibility
Only in a world of speculation.
What might have been and what has been
Point to one end, which is always present.
Footfalls echo in the memory
Down the passage which we did not take
Towards the door we never opened
Into the rose-garden. My words echo
Thus, in your mind.
But to what purpose
Disturbing the dust on a bowl of rose-leaves
I do not know.
Other echoes
Inhabit the garden. Shall we follow?
Quick, said the bird, find them, find them,
Round the corner. Through the first gate,
Into our first world, shall we follow
The deception of the thrush? Into our first world.
There they were, dignified, invisible,
Moving without pressure, over the dead leaves,
In the autumn heat, through the vibrant air,
And the bird called, in response to
The unheard music hidden in the shrubbery,
And the unseen eyebeam crossed, for the roses
Had the look of flowers that are looked at.
There they were as our guests, accepted and accepting.
So we moved, and they, in a formal pattern,
Along the empty alley, into the box circle,
To look down into the drained pool.
Dry the pool, dry concrete, brown edged,
And the pool was filled with water out of sunlight,
And the lotos rose, quietly, quietly,
The surface glittered out of heart of light,
And they were behind us, reflected in the pool.
Then a cloud passed, and the pool was empty.
Go, said the bird, for the leaves were full of children,
Hidden excitedly, containing laughter.
Go, go, go, said the bird: human kind
Cannot bear very much reality.
Time past and time future
What might have been and what has been
Point to one end, which is always present.

II
Garlic and sapphires in the mud
Clot the bedded axle-tree.
The thrilling wire in the blood
Sings below inveterate scars
Appeasing long forgotten wars.
The dance along the artery
The circulation of the lymph
Are figured in the drift of stars
Ascend to summer in the tree
We move above the moving tree
In light upon the figured leaf
And hear upon the sodden floor
Below, the boarhound and the boar
Pursue their pattern as before
But reconciled among the stars.

At the still point of the turning world. Neither flesh nor fleshless;
Neither from nor towards; at the still point, there the dance is,
But neither arrest nor movement. And do not call it fixity,
Where past and future are gathered. Neither movement from nor towards,
Neither ascent nor decline. Except for the point, the still point,
There would be no dance, and there is only the dance.
I can only say, there we have been: but I cannot say where.
And I cannot say, how long, for that is to place it in time.
The inner freedom from the practical desire,
The release from action and suffering, release from the inner
And the outer compulsion, yet surrounded
By a grace of sense, a white light still and moving,


Erhebung without motion, concentration

Without elimination, both a new world
And the old made explicit, understood
In the completion of its partial ecstasy,
The resolution of its partial horror.
Yet the enchainment of past and future
Woven in the weakness of the changing body,
Protects mankind from heaven and damnation
Which flesh cannot endure.
Time past and time future
Allow but a little consciousness.
To be conscious is not to be in time
But only in time can the moment in the rose-garden,
The moment in the arbour where the rain beat,
The moment in the draughty church at smokefall
Be remembered; involved with past and future.
Only through time time is conquered.

III
Here is a place of disaffection
Time before and time after
In a dim light: neither daylight
Investing form with lucid stillness
Turning shadow into transient beauty
Wtih slow rotation suggesting permanence
Nor darkness to purify the soul
Emptying the sensual with deprivation
Cleansing affection from the temporal.
Neither plentitude nor vacancy. Only a flicker
Over the strained time-ridden faces
Distracted from distraction by distraction
Filled with fancies and empty of meaning
Tumid apathy with no concentration
Men and bits of paper, whirled by the cold wind
That blows before and after time,
Wind in and out of unwholesome lungs
Time before and time after.
Eructation of unhealthy souls
Into the faded air, the torpid
Driven on the wind that sweeps the gloomy hills of London,
Hampstead and Clerkenwell, Campden and Putney,
Highgate, Primrose and Ludgate. Not here
Not here the darkness, in this twittering world.

Descend lower, descend only
Into the world of perpetual solitude,
World not world, but that which is not world,
Internal darkness, deprivation
And destitution of all property,
Dessication of the world of sense,
Evacuation of the world of fancy,
Inoperancy of the world of spirit;
This is the one way, and the other
Is the same, not in movement
But abstention from movememnt; while the world moves
In appetency, on its metalled ways
Of time past and time future.

IV
Time and the bell have buried the day,
the black cloud carries the sun away.
Will the sunflower turn to us, will the clematis
Stray down, bend to us; tendril and spray
Clutch and cling?
Chill
Fingers of yew be curled
Down on us? After the kingfisher’s wing
Has answered light to light, and is silent, the light is still
At the still point of the turning world.

V
Words move, music moves
Only in time; but that which is only living
Can only die. Words, after speech, reach
Into the silence. Only by the form, the pattern,
Can words or music reach
The stillness, as a Chinese jar still
Moves perpetually in its stillness.
Not the stillness of the violin, while the note lasts,
Not that only, but the co-existence,
Or say that the end precedes the beginning,
And the end and the beginning were always there
Before the beginning and after the end.
And all is always now. Words strain,
Crack and sometimes break, under the burden,
Under the tension, slip, slide, perish,
Will not stay still. Shrieking voices
Scolding, mocking, or merely chattering,
Always assail them. The Word in the desert
Is most attacked by voices of temptation,
The crying shadow in the funeral dance,
The loud lament of the disconsolate chimera.

The detail of the pattern is movement,
As in the figure of the ten stairs.
Desire itself is movement
Not in itself desirable;
Love is itself unmoving,
Only the cause and end of movement,
Timeless, and undesiring
Except in the aspect of time
Caught in the form of limitation
Between un-being and being.
Sudden in a shaft of sunlight
Even while the dust moves
There rises the hidden laughter
Of children in the foliage
Quick now, here, now, always-
Ridiculous the waste sad time
Stretching before and after.

26 September 2010

I live in Tribeca.

I run nearly every morning. Sometimes, I run on the West Side Highway and sometimes downtown on the path next to the river through Battery Park.

This morning on my morning run I ran into the Tunnel to Towers run in Battery Park.

It affected me greatly.

Without a thought, I just joined them. My body just knew.  


I ran the last half.

You can't imagine the support from all over New York and New Jersey-- firefighters, schools, police, families, those who were there that day-- to honor Stephen Siller.

How easy it is to forget, to put it in the back of your mind.


So, again--

I live in Tribeca. 

I live 5 blocks from the site.

After the run,


I walked through the crowd, just stood there, stared at it, and cried. 

World-- why?



that's it, it's split it won't recover
just frame their halves and call them brothers
find their fathers and their mothers
if you remember who they are
over and over they call us their friends
can't we find something else to pretend?
like nobody won and we're safe at the end
in the darkness the film machine's spinning so let's leave it on
we'll be out in the street before anyone knows that we're gone
that's it, it's split - it can't recover
just frame their halves and call them a whole
and chip at the bricks and fill up your pockets
with the pieces of the wall that you stole
the hunt is on, everyone's chasing
everyone's chasing a shot
a shot rings out, nobody wants it
nobody wants it to stop
that's it, it's split - it won't recover
just frame their halves and call them brothers
find your fathers and your mothers
if you remember who they are
if you remember,
if you remember,
if you remember who they are
-j.d and r.s.

18 August 2010

"to feel you don't belong in a world that's already so wrong"


FOUND :

Ever feel you don't belong in this era? (53)


1 Name: Anonymous : 2009-10-08 14:18 ID:LbWHCHMe

I feel like I don't belong here. Like I was born in the wrong era. People around me are on a different wavelength. I feel like I was supposed to be somewhere else doing something else living a different life.

2 Name: Anonymous : 2009-10-08 15:48 ID:tzssD+1l

I feel that way myself. Like I was born 100 years too early or too late. I just do not fit in to the current society.

3 Name: Anonymous : 2009-10-08 19:55 ID:cOzsTuBo

I feel I should have been born in Dinosaur times.

more below the cut...

05 May 2010

arcadia




















arcadia, tom stoppard

I am re-reading this play for the that feels like thousandth time. For some reason, the final scene gets me every time. So many principles of math and physics woven into the actions of the play-- and as the characters attempt to define and establish order through the theories they come up with, they are time and time again overturned. It is the chaos theory. For life is nothing but chaos.  Somehow, however, within this chaos, order can be found, and seen...

Which brings us to the subject and theory of determinism.

Isn't it odd-- to think that our actions, events,  the behavior we exhibit, our decisions are all influenced by actions and events in the past? That perhaps we all have a path that is pre-determined? That even the decision to try to change our fate is part of this determined path?

What about free will?

26 April 2010

27 February 2010

rewind









"Men have called me mad, but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence--whether much that is glorious--whether all that is profound--does not spring from disease of thought--from moods of mind exalted at the expense of the general intellect. Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night." Edgar Allen Poe






Driving back from my niece's 1st birthday party tonight I spent most of my time looking out the window... noticing the way the snow lay on the cliffs on the West Side Highway and across on the cliffs on the side of New Jersey... Driving all the way down to Tribeca from Inwood, hardly making a sound. I couldn't help but think of my days up in Westchester. Sarah Lawrence. Work. That time in my high school years. The sights were just so similar.

While I look back and see that I felt so unsafe in so many ways, there is some sort of comfort that comes with these many memories. I remember listening to a lot of Coldplay and driving... and driving... and thinking and thinking... and just being so confused about so many things in my life, worried about close members of my family, and fighting for my own life on a daily basis.  Sometimes I just want to give my life thus far a big shake and wonder where in time I'll end up. Youth and innocence are so profound. I've noticed a loss of it more and more as the days go on...











 






12 January 2010

1st few days of two thousand 10

2009 was a definite year for me, for once, a year of definition, expansion, creation, exploration...

one eye closed one eye open.

I learned that it is okay to have no idea who I am or where I am going. All that is known is where and what I come from. I now know the weight of the present, and from this I now know to take everything seriously, and then to not take anything seriously at all.

I learned about environment, and once again about the change of environments. I learned about people's feelings and I learned about distance. I learned about free will and separation. I learned about motivation and the lengths people will go to avoid pain. I learned about yearning hearts and I learned about the cold.

I learned that I may not ever get over a few months of my life that seem now very distant and ultimately erased from memory. But I know the feelings and I know the hearts felt and I know that some aren't beating anymore and I know that there is nothing I can do to change that and nothing that can bring them back. Some faces are starting to get blurred and I don't remember them, only moments, but the moments are so strong that I actually feel... Thus I remember. And my heart is beating, and beating to fight and live and thrive. So that's all I need to get me through the day. And while I've been running for seven years my legs are tired and I've started to slow down. I can't run forever. I realized I lost track of time.

The holidays were nothing but days upon days of people. People, all around me, doing crazy things but then not doing anything at all. Days were jam packed and I designed some more pieces. My fingers are sore from the tools. The combination of all this led me to be nothing but sick for the past four days. After much rest, I'm finally starting feel like my old self.

Highlights included a drive to Southampton in a blizzard with j and then walk on Little Plains Beach, seeing Patti Smith perform on her birthday with my Amy , dinner at bread with Shea, and some late nights at the cabin with friends from work.