1st few days of two thousand 10

2009 was a definite year for me, for once, a year of definition, expansion, creation, exploration...

one eye closed one eye open.

I learned that it is okay to have no idea who I am or where I am going. All that is known is where and what I come from. I now know the weight of the present, and from this I now know to take everything seriously, and then to not take anything seriously at all.

I learned about environment, and once again about the change of environments. I learned about people's feelings and I learned about distance. I learned about free will and separation. I learned about motivation and the lengths people will go to avoid pain. I learned about yearning hearts and I learned about the cold.

I learned that I may not ever get over a few months of my life that seem now very distant and ultimately erased from memory. But I know the feelings and I know the hearts felt and I know that some aren't beating anymore and I know that there is nothing I can do to change that and nothing that can bring them back. Some faces are starting to get blurred and I don't remember them, only moments, but the moments are so strong that I actually feel... Thus I remember. And my heart is beating, and beating to fight and live and thrive. So that's all I need to get me through the day. And while I've been running for seven years my legs are tired and I've started to slow down. I can't run forever. I realized I lost track of time.

The holidays were nothing but days upon days of people. People, all around me, doing crazy things but then not doing anything at all. Days were jam packed and I designed some more pieces. My fingers are sore from the tools. The combination of all this led me to be nothing but sick for the past four days. After much rest, I'm finally starting feel like my old self.

Highlights included a drive to Southampton in a blizzard with j and then walk on Little Plains Beach, seeing Patti Smith perform on her birthday with my Amy , dinner at bread with Shea, and some late nights at the cabin with friends from work.