30 November 2007


Autumn literally started and ended in a single week.

Just in time for trimming our Christmas tree.

Afterwards, while eating our annual dinner of my dad's stew provençal, we talked.

My grandmother told me that she saw herself standing at her bedside while sleeping a few nights ago. She stood and watched my grandmother, dressed in different clothing, sleep and then proceeded to walk out of the room.

My grandfather told me he had a dream that Cuba was liberated.

My dad posed an interesting question. Since we can travel at the speed of sound, there is the possibility that in a century we may be able to travel at the speed of light. If we travel at the speed of light, will we see darkness? My dad says yes. I say we may see light- whatever light really looks like. Might make people question their faith.

We had too many ornamants and couldn't fit them all onto our twelve foot tree. I fear the thing may topple down any second.

Some notes from several entries from this week:

You have wings but I have weight.

Fine lines, holy mouths.

Knobbed feet.

Contracting and expanding.

Giving yourself the allowance to speak.

Words that are alive inside of you but never see the light of day.

Her spine the remnants of her tail.

Chipped tiles.

Mosaic of time.

Through the iced porch of time.

Sinking retreat.

Popped consonants.

To believe that days have impact, in date, years later.


25 November 2007

finally beginning to learn my lesson

From: Meghan Farrell Sent: Sun 11/25/2007 6:46 PM
To: Mom
Subject: Re:
View As Web Page

1. World Peace
2. Inner Peace
3. Someone to love and to be able to give my heart selflessly
4. To be able to truly see myself
5. To always know I have a home.
6. To have integrity especially in art.
7. For everyone to care less about Britney Spears and more about what is really going on in the world.
8. Good health.
9. For autumn to come back next year.
10.To have my family see me succeed for all the right reasons.
------Original Message------
From: Mom
To: M------@americanapparel.net
Sent: Nov 19, 2007 12:30 PM

Meghan-give your christmas list-put at least 10 things-a wish list most imp at the top-love mom

Email and AIM finally together. You've gotta check out free AOL Mail <http://o.aolcdn.com/cdn.webmail.aol.com/mailtour/aol/en-us/index.htm?ncid=AOLAOF00020000000970> !

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

21 November 2007

the sidewalk dance

I'm five years old. But sometimes I feel as if that is one of my more redeeming qualities. It never gets in the way of things like class or work, but rather, is more of a personal affect.

It hurts when people call your bluff. It hurts when intuitive people can see right through you.

It hurts even more when you feel as though things are out of your control.

I've been doing sidewalk dances with strangers a lot lately. In New York, it happens to you if you're alert enough, maybe once a month. But lately? Once a day? Four times a week sometimes? The other day it happened in front of my mother when she came to visit me. It's hard to tell whether this is coming from me or from the fact that everyone is in that frame of mind where they are just stuck in their heads. However, I'm thinking that because of the fact that it is happening to me so frequently, I am the one to blame.

So that's what I do with people in my own life- metaphorically speaking. Sidewalk dances. Awkward, annoying, uncontrollable sidewalk dances. It sucks.

The frustration these strangers express towards me is terribly disheartening. The frustration and annoyance the people I have met in my own life express towards me is disheartening and disappointing.

To know that you are the source of this problem... well... it feels pretty bad.

I'm finding more and more that to be loved or even deeply cared for by someone outside of my family is something I desire greatly. Letting them in and letting them stay there, however....

11 November 2007

the possibility of another week....

Blazing yellow, burnt orange, vibrant brown....

The leaves have changed in New England. On our drive to Boston, I had to internally restrain myself from getting too much in my head... Super... So beautiful, it was.

There was this little park in Newton I saw while driving in the car, and it was sunny and clear, and there were benches and a square of grass, the leaves had changed on the trees and they lay on the ground... I wanted so bad to get out of the car and just sit on a bench and read or write.... make leaf piles and just jump in them.

When I was little I didn't even jump. I just burrowed myself into the pile head first.

My peeps, I am giving autumn one more week to come to New York in its fullest capacity. Enough of this in between bullshit.

just a lot of randomness

Four days ago, a man yelled, "Viva Brazil" to me out of his car window.

Three days ago, I noticed that even the brook in the Subway tracks of the FV at Canal Street has a current.

Two days ago, a bird flew off a building and right in front me as I was walking - so close that his little wings graced my nose.

One day ago, I got a phone call while riding the 2 from Chambers to 14th Street. A little girl around three or four stared at me and just said, "Whoa."

07 November 2007

goodbye fall

Words can not even begin to describe the pain- the actual hurt- I am experiencing due to the fact that we have skipped the autumn season this year. The leaves aren't changing. It's really not that cold. In fact, for a while, it was still summer. I can still drink iced coffee and not care that it will be too chilly.

I find myself daily, as I walk places, looking on the sidewalk for any changed leaves. And by changed, I mean fully red, vibrant orange, and of course, yellow ones. I have found a few-- but only a few. Some seem as if they are at the midpoint of changing from green to a color, which only depresses me because clearly in the nature of science, these leaves were literally fighting for their life before death won and they fell from the tree. At least give the leaves justice and have them die colorfully. Home on Long Island, I noticed even more while driving that what was two years ago a vision of color, was instead this awkward dark green color.

This entry is so sappy and not at all super, but I feel it and that's all that matters. I honestly can't help it if I miss jumping into huge piles of leaves underneath the oak trees on my front lawn. Or walking through New York carrying a nice cup of hot tea in my coat and scarf and having my nose and cheeks feel cold. Visions and feelings of autumn bring back to me only the best of memories. Without the visions, the smells, everything- I might start to forget.

above picture - fall 2006

It worries me what we are doing to our world, and it depresses me even more when I reflect on my past, how I and those I know have contributed to this. I feel I am still so ignorant to so much. I need to educate myself. I have so much more to learn.