10 December 2007
Go with the butterflies, the intellect, or the talent? Butterflies, I think. But butterflies lead to trouble, I'm guessing.
Time will tell.
Rehearsals rehearsals rehearsals.
Lots of flurries.
Turning six this Friday or Saturday?
I will miss my children.
02 December 2007
30 November 2007
Just in time for trimming our Christmas tree.
Afterwards, while eating our annual dinner of my dad's stew provençal, we talked.
My grandmother told me that she saw herself standing at her bedside while sleeping a few nights ago. She stood and watched my grandmother, dressed in different clothing, sleep and then proceeded to walk out of the room.
My grandfather told me he had a dream that Cuba was liberated.
My dad posed an interesting question. Since we can travel at the speed of sound, there is the possibility that in a century we may be able to travel at the speed of light. If we travel at the speed of light, will we see darkness? My dad says yes. I say we may see light- whatever light really looks like. Might make people question their faith.
We had too many ornamants and couldn't fit them all onto our twelve foot tree. I fear the thing may topple down any second.
Some notes from several entries from this week:
You have wings but I have weight.
Fine lines, holy mouths.
Contracting and expanding.
Giving yourself the allowance to speak.
Words that are alive inside of you but never see the light of day.
Her spine the remnants of her tail.
Mosaic of time.
Through the iced porch of time.
To believe that days have impact, in date, years later.
25 November 2007
| Mom |
1. World Peace
2. Inner Peace
3. Someone to love and to be able to give my heart selflessly
4. To be able to truly see myself
5. To always know I have a home.
6. To have integrity especially in art.
7. For everyone to care less about Britney Spears and more about what is really going on in the world.
8. Good health.
9. For autumn to come back next year.
10.To have my family see me succeed for all the right reasons.
Sent: Nov 19, 2007 12:30 PM
Meghan-give your christmas list-put at least 10 things-a wish list most imp at the top-love mom
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Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
21 November 2007
It hurts when people call your bluff. It hurts when intuitive people can see right through you.
It hurts even more when you feel as though things are out of your control.
I've been doing sidewalk dances with strangers a lot lately. In New York, it happens to you if you're alert enough, maybe once a month. But lately? Once a day? Four times a week sometimes? The other day it happened in front of my mother when she came to visit me. It's hard to tell whether this is coming from me or from the fact that everyone is in that frame of mind where they are just stuck in their heads. However, I'm thinking that because of the fact that it is happening to me so frequently, I am the one to blame.
So that's what I do with people in my own life- metaphorically speaking. Sidewalk dances. Awkward, annoying, uncontrollable sidewalk dances. It sucks.
The frustration these strangers express towards me is terribly disheartening. The frustration and annoyance the people I have met in my own life express towards me is disheartening and disappointing.
To know that you are the source of this problem... well... it feels pretty bad.
I'm finding more and more that to be loved or even deeply cared for by someone outside of my family is something I desire greatly. Letting them in and letting them stay there, however....
11 November 2007
The leaves have changed in New England. On our drive to Boston, I had to internally restrain myself from getting too much in my head... Super... So beautiful, it was.
There was this little park in Newton I saw while driving in the car, and it was sunny and clear, and there were benches and a square of grass, the leaves had changed on the trees and they lay on the ground... I wanted so bad to get out of the car and just sit on a bench and read or write.... make leaf piles and just jump in them.
When I was little I didn't even jump. I just burrowed myself into the pile head first.
My peeps, I am giving autumn one more week to come to New York in its fullest capacity. Enough of this in between bullshit.
Three days ago, I noticed that even the brook in the Subway tracks of the FV at Canal Street has a current.
Two days ago, a bird flew off a building and right in front me as I was walking - so close that his little wings graced my nose.
One day ago, I got a phone call while riding the 2 from Chambers to 14th Street. A little girl around three or four stared at me and just said, "Whoa."
07 November 2007
I find myself daily, as I walk places, looking on the sidewalk for any changed leaves. And by changed, I mean fully red, vibrant orange, and of course, yellow ones. I have found a few-- but only a few. Some seem as if they are at the midpoint of changing from green to a color, which only depresses me because clearly in the nature of science, these leaves were literally fighting for their life before death won and they fell from the tree. At least give the leaves justice and have them die colorfully. Home on Long Island, I noticed even more while driving that what was two years ago a vision of color, was instead this awkward dark green color.
above picture - fall 2006
It worries me what we are doing to our world, and it depresses me even more when I reflect on my past, how I and those I know have contributed to this. I feel I am still so ignorant to so much. I need to educate myself. I have so much more to learn.
10 October 2007
To have something you've passionately wanted within your reach countless times (a literal arms distance away) and then, to pretty much willfully let it go, is one of the hardest things anyone can deal with. To begin to realize the possibility that it is something you have lost your passion for over the years (and that the reason you let it go is because you don't want it anymore) is even harder. To know the reason for this is the criticism of others that easily allowed this passion to be whisked away from you is just personally painful. To not see any goals ahead for you....
01 October 2007
You see it and for a moment you want it.
Crossing over Canal and nearly getting run over by a crazy reckless driver, tripping my way in my K Jacques across Tribeca Park, I am back in the real world. I recall in my mind that the spaces I saw were big, but empty. The pianist was playing Beethoven, and before he moved onto his next piece, he was just ending Sonata 14 in C Sharp Minor.
After a long day spent at the market with good company, then working, and then throughout it all, contemplating and absorbing the changes that are about to take place in my life, I made my way back to the fourth floor of my own apartment. Home to three calm, happy roommates and to rooms that screamed warmth. A home, yes.
You see it and for a moment you want it. Who doesn't?
29 September 2007
So I couldn't resist putting this up on my own blog, mainly because of the fact that I love this girl so much. If it is one thing I (as well as many others who have been graced by her presence) know, it is that Amy N Sall (who I am blessed to have as one of my sales associates) is a fashion celebrity waiting to happen. And at only 17, this could happen at any moment. Overnight, even. But let's get started with the first celebrity moment: being featured on Teen Vogue's Snapshot of the Week, and then, the American Apparel Daily Update Blog.
Though she is praised for her thoughts and views on personal style ("I wouldn't want any trends to make a comeback. Fashion should progress, not regress."), those who actually know her have grown to see that she is so much more than what she wears. In fact, she's even humble about it all! It is her personality, her sincere love and care of others, and always coming to work with a smile that makes us all at American Apparel love Amy. Her creativity is just an added perk.
25 September 2007
All signs are telling me to move forward with my life.
A day at AA, then to a rehearsal- to only, on the way, passing the Astor Place Starbucks at the beginning of Lafayette, see that Sex and the City is shooting inside. I think not of Sarah Jessica Parker and her lookalike son sitting at a booth waving to the people and paparazzi (Is she royalty now?). I think not of the Oscar winning Jennifer Hudson pacing back and forth. Instead, I think of the real people I know inside- people I spent a few months filming with and got to know a great deal. I think of how long it has been.
Yours truly proceeded to talk (politely) with several P.A.'s, and when failed, proceeded to successfully sneak onto the Sex and the City set. I saw b.a.f. and j.t. and the works. It was wonderful. It was for about 10 minutes- but just being on a set for that length of time changed the sound of my voice, the thought patterns in my mind...
Standing four feet away from sjp watch admirably at her son operate the camera and track was just an added bonus.
I need to get a part time job on set again.
And then, to go to my own rehearsal... And then to be told by an old friend over dinner at Angelica's Kitchen that I just need to push myself into doing it... That the confidence in myself can only be found through actually giving it all a try....
And after being told to start my own jewelry company inspired by my own unstamped vintage pieces...
I just need to leap. How hard it is, to break free from the familiar.
24 September 2007
It's nearing October, and it's still, on average, 80 degrees and sunny here. I am so ready for the cool weather.
I love watching these movies in the fall... A backdrop of New York City just screams autumn.
2. Rosemary's Baby
3. You've Got Mail
4. One Fine Day
5. Annie Hall
20 September 2007
According to several dream dictionaries, dreaming of ants can mean one of two things: 1) A dissatisfaction with life in general 2)A satisfaction with life, particularly in terms of business. While both of these things do make sense in my own life (and at the same time no less), I do have to keep in mind that there was only one ant in my dream last night, and the situation and feelings surrounding the event of my dream seemed oddly familiar.
I hate losing things. I absolutely despise it. Even if I can replace the item in a second. Losing anything leaves me with this crazy feeling of personal loss.
I lost one of my favorite vintage bracelets the other day. All day, it was on my wrist. I had thought I fixed it earlier that morning. At the Coterie- moving things around, selling other pieces of jewelry- it still remained on my wrist. In the supermarket- on my wrist. However, somewhere between the point where I swiped my subway card and got onto the 2, it fell off.
While I believe feeling so disappointed and upset may seem a little childish, I can't help but realize just how fearful I am about losing not just objects, but people as well. Not to mention- if you don't keep communicating with others in this city, you really have the chance to lose it all.
11 September 2007
07 September 2007
It amazes me how blind each of choose to be, in some way, to it's progression. We choose to not see the details which make us realize that we are not on steady ground, or stuck in a moment. It appears that this only serves to make ourselves and the way we conceptualize this world feel and appear whole and more complete- in essence, everlasting. Our parents will not grow old, nor will we. Our childhood homes will always be there- be ours- and we will never move to other cities, states, or countries (at least not permanately). Our bodies will not mature, nor grow older, thin with wrinkly skin.
I recognize that I am particularly at fault when it comes to this concept. And, there is no better place to hide from this fact than in this city, this island we call Manhattan. Though it is densely populated, and constantly progressing in a rapid acceleration, I somehow get lost in this movement- rather, lose myself in this movement. The city provides an anonymity that hardly any other city provides.
Every so often, I find myself jolted back into reality. Moving my sister to college was not a shocking thing, nor was it a sad thing- not until I was on a plane and landed in Manhattan. My parents were back in Boston with her, still moving in and getting her settled, and I realized: I am an adult. I am an adult, riding a taxi, directly back to work. I live in an apartment, I see my family once every month or two, and go about my business on my own. I very easily forget this.
To see my once little sister move on with her life made me seriously question where it is I am exactly going with my own. And in not just a nostalgic way, but in a gutteral, slow and painful way. Somehow along the line, I lost track of time.... and at work, I all of a sudden started to breathe into my core again. I felt the oxygen. I lost track of time.... and my body gave in, and my knees were weak, and I was breathing.
I constantly am questioning whether this place is good for me or not. I am in need of a change- a true change- to relax and feel more complete.
Life does go on, and I did make decisions which will help me get back on the path I should be on-- a workshop with Dena Levy next weekend, a job offer and promotion, and working the Coterie Tradeshow with C.C. Skye. I've been working my job 8 days in a row and will continue day after day until Monday September 24th; let's hope I do not have a burn out.
29 August 2007
Some of my favorite items for fall....
1. Tazo Chai Tea - Brew, add sugar or sweetener, 1/4 cup of milk, and then microwave again. The best chai tea....
2. Acne Collection
3. Tights - Try my personal favorite- Wolford's Winter Soft Logic, or anything by Fogal (love the black "brilliance" style, the "onda,") or Falke... oh and American Apparel.
4. Apple Picking - Some locations near New York City:
5. The Hamptons/The Beach - Growing up, I spent many, many falls out east at our old house in Southampton. A nice road trip is always- at least one Sunday in the fall- a must. The beach is also the best to explore in the fall...
6. Fall Music - Madeline Peyroux, Joni Mitchell, Sufjan Stevens, Camera Obscura, Belle and Sebastian, Coldplay, Beach House...
Look out for....
1. Heimstone - Relatively new designer from France. Great dresses, jackets, and belts for fall.
2. Elizabeth and James - The newest addition to the Olsen empire. And, as usual: fantastic. I already pre-ordered the Bonfire Shirt.
From the American Apparel "collection" (represent), try:
1. The "Solid Rib Oversized Pocket Cardigan" - Extremely comfy with tights - and soon to come in a wider assortment of colors.
2. The "Solid Rib Vest"
3. The "Vinyl Duffle Bag"
4. The unisex "Flex Fleece V-neck"
5. "Cotton Spandex Jersey High Waisted Pants"
12 June 2007
K-Jacques Saint-Tropez - Wonderful Parisean sandals in natural leather, brilliant colors (well the primary ones and the new neon colors at least- which are the only two groups of colors that matter to me) and metallics as well. I Get at least two pairs of every summer season- one natural leather and one color. They wear in amazingly, and never leave my feet. My personal favorite styles are the Agopos (I own the natural leather color), and the Homere (I have them in natural and one in the painted red).
F-Troupe Shoes - Try to get your hands on a pair of these babies! Great independent shoe designer sold in select boutiques around the United States. I believe it is based out of London. I am dying for a pair. I mean, how cute are these?
Tazo Iced Teas - On my daily Starbucks runs during the sumer, I ditch the coffee. Instead, I go for the shaken iced tea (unsweetened of course). It comes in amazing flavors- my favorite being the Zen (blend of green teas). But what is even better is that you can buy the iced tea bags online and make a batch yourself! The Black Tropic tea isn't available to order at Starbucks, but it is super yummy too!
Mark and Estel - Amazing lightweigh shirts and dresses for summer. I could never express just how much I love these two designers (I met them back in the day). Their shirts changed my life. My favorite is the finished rounded v-neck shirt.
10 June 2007
IN Manhattan, time moves not pretty fast, but faster than fast. Every day, people from all backgrounds, from all different parts of the world, move from place to place. Although most of them run about ten minutes early, in their minds they are always "late," thus ignoring others around them as they walk ( as though on a mission) to get where they have to go on a daily basis. To themselves they exist only in their own minds- as if in their own little bubble. Once at their destination, this usually doesn't change. Maybe the pace slows down a bit-- however, to me, for Manhattanites, being at work brings with it the objective of getting home as fast as possible. As such, life can be somewhat of a blur.
WEEKENDS aren't an exception (at least half of the time on weekends at least). Manhattanites scramble, running faster than they do during the week, to get a good seat/beat the traffic on trains, cars, the Jitney, HELECOPTERS, to get to their weekend destinations (most likely a Hamptons). Once there, it's up at 8am to get to the beach to find a decent area to sit and tan. Then, finally, they relax for a few hours.
HAVING been wrapped up in this for almost a year now, I finally understand this concept of time. Sometimes I just want it all to stop. If it's not one thing in Manhattan, then it's another- and I find myself always scrambling to get places and giving in to that rude ideology and mindset more and more every day. But, having grown up on Long Island, I am lucky to have somewhere to go when I want to take a break (now if I could only find more time...). Despite the traffic and abundance of stores and shopping centers, it is the country to me. I can sit in my backyard at the pool and pretend I am somewhere far far away.
WHY this is so important to me this week of all weeks, is that my baby sister (who is now 18) graduated from high school yesterday. Is it true? Is it really so? I thought.
It was. She graduated yesterday; it happened. At least I got to see bits and pieces of her last year home- maybe a handful of days. However, I can't help but feel as though I missed out on a major part of her life.
Manhattan blinds you from so much- secludes you from the rest of the world. Life outside of the city is almost as though it is a completely separate world in and of itself. How did I miss this past year? You can't make up for lost time.
Then I started wondering- Is it truly Manhattan or is it just the transition of living away from home? Or both? All I know is that I need a change-- and need to find ways to slow down.
06 June 2007
I have lived all over the state of New York my entire life...
Long Island is the part I call home (where I never have- nor ever will- feel belong)...
Westchester is where I landed myself for college (where I never let myself fit in).
And now? I've managed to find myself (like there was a choice?) in what some call one of the most wonderful cities in the world.
Yes, New York.
The place where the sidewalks reek of garbage or hot dog vendors.... Where there are lots of yellow taxicabs that whenever needed are all full.. Where you can't walk down a street without being mentally undressed by the eyes of construction workers... Where construction starts at 8am (even in your own apartment building)... The place where apartments are way too expensive and the living cost in general, absurd. The city where there are times when you have to dodge more than a handful of people just walking on the sidewalk to work. The city where people are racing to get to the top, yearning to be seen (and ultimately, of course, famous) without thinking of others on their way.
- New York has a population of 8.2 million people in a mere 322 square miles.
- New York has an occupancy rate of 97% (which leaves 3% of apartments and townhouses unoccupied, which makes it impossible to move).
You are never alone in Manhattan. Walking down any street, you are with company. Sitting in a Starbucks, your are with company. On the subway. On the bus. At a museum. The moment you step out of your apartment building, you are with company. Everything is so accessible here, and you are always with company.
But how can a city full of people be, at the same time, so extremely lonely?
Welcome to my world.