21 November 2007

the sidewalk dance

I'm five years old. But sometimes I feel as if that is one of my more redeeming qualities. It never gets in the way of things like class or work, but rather, is more of a personal affect.

It hurts when people call your bluff. It hurts when intuitive people can see right through you.

It hurts even more when you feel as though things are out of your control.

I've been doing sidewalk dances with strangers a lot lately. In New York, it happens to you if you're alert enough, maybe once a month. But lately? Once a day? Four times a week sometimes? The other day it happened in front of my mother when she came to visit me. It's hard to tell whether this is coming from me or from the fact that everyone is in that frame of mind where they are just stuck in their heads. However, I'm thinking that because of the fact that it is happening to me so frequently, I am the one to blame.

So that's what I do with people in my own life- metaphorically speaking. Sidewalk dances. Awkward, annoying, uncontrollable sidewalk dances. It sucks.

The frustration these strangers express towards me is terribly disheartening. The frustration and annoyance the people I have met in my own life express towards me is disheartening and disappointing.

To know that you are the source of this problem... well... it feels pretty bad.

I'm finding more and more that to be loved or even deeply cared for by someone outside of my family is something I desire greatly. Letting them in and letting them stay there, however....

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