07 September 2007

picking up

It amazes me how quickly time flies.

It amazes me how blind each of choose to be, in some way, to it's progression. We choose to not see the details which make us realize that we are not on steady ground, or stuck in a moment. It appears that this only serves to make ourselves and the way we conceptualize this world feel and appear whole and more complete- in essence, everlasting. Our parents will not grow old, nor will we. Our childhood homes will always be there- be ours- and we will never move to other cities, states, or countries (at least not permanately). Our bodies will not mature, nor grow older, thin with wrinkly skin.

I recognize that I am particularly at fault when it comes to this concept. And, there is no better place to hide from this fact than in this city, this island we call Manhattan. Though it is densely populated, and constantly progressing in a rapid acceleration, I somehow get lost in this movement- rather, lose myself in this movement. The city provides an anonymity that hardly any other city provides.

Every so often, I find myself jolted back into reality. Moving my sister to college was not a shocking thing, nor was it a sad thing- not until I was on a plane and landed in Manhattan. My parents were back in Boston with her, still moving in and getting her settled, and I realized: I am an adult. I am an adult, riding a taxi, directly back to work. I live in an apartment, I see my family once every month or two, and go about my business on my own. I very easily forget this.

To see my once little sister move on with her life made me seriously question where it is I am exactly going with my own. And in not just a nostalgic way, but in a gutteral, slow and painful way. Somehow along the line, I lost track of time.... and at work, I all of a sudden started to breathe into my core again. I felt the oxygen. I lost track of time.... and my body gave in, and my knees were weak, and I was breathing.

I constantly am questioning whether this place is good for me or not. I am in need of a change- a true change- to relax and feel more complete.

Life does go on, and I did make decisions which will help me get back on the path I should be on-- a workshop with Dena Levy next weekend, a job offer and promotion, and working the Coterie Tradeshow with C.C. Skye. I've been working my job 8 days in a row and will continue day after day until Monday September 24th; let's hope I do not have a burn out.

1 comment:

Je suis Amy said...

Hello dearest!
Let me just say that this is my fav post of yours.
You are my little Oscar winner in the making!